I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
