Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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