the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
