I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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