Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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