So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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