the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
