never play flip cup with pint glasses
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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