i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
