My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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