Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
ok first of all what the fuck
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
