I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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