giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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