Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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