literally had 100 drinks last night.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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