i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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