I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.