Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I got inside last night via doggy door
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.