Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
