my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
