You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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