I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
