Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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