I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
