Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
