do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
