quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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