woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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