My friends, they love my intelligence
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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