It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
