I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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