im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
