If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
