I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
