the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
