I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
