Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
