I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
