I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
