my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
