he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
