why didn't you poke me back
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
