Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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