i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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