my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
