So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
