smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
