well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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