shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.