Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
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New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
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Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.