what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.