Texts From Last Night

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  (801): View more from Utah

  My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv

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  (801): My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv http://tfl.nu/1bcq
  Replies (39) Good night (1484) Bad night (4475)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?

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  (563): his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off? http://tfl.nu/hp8b
  Replies (19) Good night (648) Bad night (4027)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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  (403): I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like. http://tfl.nu/sasf
  Replies (25) Good night (9374) Bad night (1038)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.

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  (651): I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol. http://tfl.nu/cmai
  Replies (21) Good night (3687) Bad night (723)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.

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  (703): the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week. http://tfl.nu/6di3
  Replies (17) Good night (4174) Bad night (1145)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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  (502): I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean. http://tfl.nu/5uk0
  Replies (6) Good night (4324) Bad night (1345)
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  (562): View more from California

  bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.

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  (562): bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea. http://tfl.nu/kow3
  Replies (10) Good night (2679) Bad night (1141)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...

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  (405): please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin... http://tfl.nu/m01o
  Replies (2) Good night (632) Bad night (2006)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."

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  (256): He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment." http://tfl.nu/ioax
  Replies (6) Good night (2226) Bad night (638)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.

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  (570): I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo. http://tfl.nu/a7p8
  Replies (3) Good night (1218) Bad night (697)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.

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  (570): My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think. http://tfl.nu/k90n
  Replies (7) Good night (573) Bad night (534)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.

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  (+44): I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks. http://tfl.nu/6xxg
  Replies (0) Good night (939) Bad night (468)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.

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  (908): We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe. http://tfl.nu/0uet
  Replies (2) Good night (498) Bad night (290)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning

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  (716): Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning http://tfl.nu/8997
  Replies (2) Good night (488) Bad night (215)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?

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  (541): I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had? http://tfl.nu/he5w
  Replies (4) Good night (387) Bad night (293)

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