i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
