Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.