It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
