My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
