I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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