I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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