Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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