Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
