Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
