Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
