so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
