Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
