Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
