I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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