dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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