drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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