he puts the penis in happiness.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
