I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
